In this raw, uncut episode which feels more like a diary entry, Jae opens up on how he feels about his life here as a person of color and some of the internal and external challenges that has come with it.
Transcript
[0:09] It's crazy to say that I never experienced direct racism until I came to Berlin.
[0:19] When I moved to Berlin, or before I moved to Berlin, I was always under the impression that: Oh, you know, it's such a diverse city, things are good here, I'm coming from America, you know? So things weren't always so pretty there, either but no one's ever called me the N-word, no one's ever tried to fight me. And I come here, and both of those experiences happened. If you've heard my mental health episode, or even my mental health update episode, you have heard the stories of some of the experiences that I've had here.
[0:59] Too long, didn't read ... ? Basically, like I think around the end of May or whatnot, I was in a park and this guy randomly came up to me. I was just reading a book. He randomly came up to me and was like, "You don't belong here. You need to leave. Go back to where you came from," and all this type of stuff. And it was a very weird setting because I've never experienced anything like that and I wasn't even prepared for it. So I started to record him, and he ended up like trying to tell me that I shouldn't be here, I needed to leave the park. And then he started calling me the N-word and whatnot, "Leave my personal space," until maybe like a few minutes later he ended up going to another bench and was saying something in German, but very derogatory, and I noticed, because I still heard the N-word. And it was just a very interesting experience.
[2:02] I know I'm black, you know, no one has to tell me that. But it's very strange because, I mean, like I don't look in the mirror every day and say: Oh, I'm a black guy. I look in the mirror over there and it was like: Oh, I'm just me, you know? So it's weird when you're reminded that no one ever just looks at you as a normal human being, and sometimes that can be very sad. And especially when you come to a place expecting something, and then you get the complete opposite.
[2:35] I believe racism exists everywhere, and I do believe that it is a problem in Germany, I just think the problem is just not talked about that much. And most times when you hear, "Oh, no, there's no racism here," think about who is it coming from? Is it coming from a black person or another person of color, or is it coming from a privileged person who has never had to experience direct racism before?And that really shifted my viewpoint of being black in Berlin. There's still a part of me that feels better here, especially when it comes to the queer community. I definitely feel more included here as a black person than I did in America.
[3:35] There was always - and maybe this is just some insecurities in me - but I mean, America, we live on race. Every other conversation is about race, and to be fair, that's quite annoying to deal with a lot of the times, you know. Like at some point you don't want to be reminded that you are a different, you know, that you are something that other people have not experienced. You just want to live your normal life. I think we all want to, but America, as we all know, won't shut up about it. And I experienced a lot of subtle ... hesitations, I feel like, especially in the gay community back home, I felt that a lot of people ... and maybe this was just because I was in a certain part of like, let's say like Orange County, California, which is very white, it felt kind of like people, at least like I said in the gay community, were very hesitant to talk to me or develop relationships with me.
[4:49] And for me, I always believe it's because a lot of us experience internalized racism. You know, we might not directly be racist, but there is still a bit of us that is conditioned, still to this day, and we don't notice it, but it's still there, you know. And it determines the way that you behave and interact with yourself and other people and how you look at other people, "Oh, he's just not my type." "Oh, that's just not what I'm interested in." But really it's because of internalized racism in my part.
[5:22] So, coming here, being in the queer community, I personally have not experienced that so much. I've always felt, once again in the queer community, I felt a breath of release, a breath of fresh air, so to say, and that obviously made me feel really good. And I've experienced many good get moments in that, that have kind of allowed me to accept and kind of let go of these racist experiences. But it's really hard, because if you were to ask me if I feel safe here, I don't know.
[6:10] Yes, I ... Mentally, an affirmation of mine is, "I am safe now," but there's always a part of me, even today, that is so terrified. Every time I leave my house, I tense up around anybody ... anybody who is not black. I'm like: Oh, my gosh, you're going to yell at me, they're going to do something, or whatnot. And it's very sad, because it's like I'm scared, you know, and rightfully so. But like I'm not a violent person. I don't fight, I don't argue with people, I'm not mean, I don't hate people, so I don't know what to do when those things happen. I experienced another racist encounter in a Burger King. In public! At a fucking Burger King! Why at a Burger King? But anyways, yeah, that was like in the end or beginning of August, somewhere around then, and the guy literally wanted to fight me. I don't fight. I don't know what to do in those encounters. And thankfully, there was people there to like kind of step into place. But it was exhausting. And then people were like, "Okay, well, go get self-defense lessons," go do this, go do that. Why do I have to do that to live my life? I have to take self-defense classes? I can't just live normally like other people?
[7:33] And something else that's quite unfortunate is like, to be fair, there's not one place that I can go to in this world where I'm going to not feel out of place. Even if I'm going to go to Africa. I'm not African, you know, so I'm still going to experience this level of being different. And it's so exhausting. It's so exhausting knowing that no matter where you go, you're always going to be viewed as a threat. And I'm so sad about that because I am such a loving person, I am. But I wall through the streets hoping that no one sees me as a threat, hoping that people aren't tensing up and getting scared that if I walk close to them that I'm going to hurt them, you know, because I would never do anything like that. And it's really weird when you know that someone is perceiving you that way, because that's just not a image that you have ever perceived in yourself at all, you know.
[8:33] And that makes up a lot of my experience here in Berlin. And, yeah, sorry. Actually, not sorry, it's my experience. But yeah, this is a start to a very like kind of melancholy or sad like sad like explanation, but I mean, it's the truth. I'm not going to lie and say that I have good experiences, you know? And it's quite sad. I mean, like I'm not around a lot of black people. To be fair, I don't really know where all of them are. Maybe I'm not doing enough looking, but also I don't want to feel like I have to put in some of this like ... Like I don't think me saying, Oh, I'm not doing enough, is the right mindset, of the right talk, for myself. You know, it's really hard for me to have found that community, and yeah, maybe there is a part of me that maybe could have, you know, go to more African or so events. But I like to go to the things I like to go to, and I just kind of have to get used to always being different, and it's always on my mind, everywhere I go, even including in work, I'm still the only black person there. You know, in most places I'm always just the only black person. And that gets very ... 'lonesome', sometimes? Maybe that's a good word.
[9:54] And it's really like confusing because like I don't know how to react. It's not like everyone is treating me differently all the time, but I definitely feel different. And when things happen to me, when someone looks at me weird, when someone is blunt to me, I don't know if it's just because they are German, Berlin, or if they're doing it because I'm black, and I feel myself gaslighting myself so much because I never know what people are doing. And that's something that I experience kind of in America, but it feels like people here are just more bold to act out here. And that's very scary and it affects my self-worth because, you know, like I deserve to be in any environment that I'm in. I deserve that. I don't give a fuck if I'm from here or not, I deserve to be here, and it just fucks that up.
[10:53] And I am still in the process of developing more self-confidence in myself and self-love, and proving myself in approaching all of this with good ... good mindset. So for this episode, I've written a few questions that I kind of wanted to ask myself. And also, keep in mind, this is going to be an unedited episode, just because I do want to keep this raw. Any hesitation, any stumbling? I want to keep this in intentionally, just because, yeah, this is a very tough topic for me and I think vulnerability is always my go-to, now.
[11:32] So I kind of already answered the question: Have I experienced racism? Yes, I have. A few times. Even there was one time where I was just sitting down on like a bench waiting for a friend, and this guy randomly started asking me, Am I from Jamaica, Am I from Africa, Am I from this or from that? It is quite interesting because a lot of people like assume their first go-to is that I'm African, which is very interesting because like I'm American, you know, so there's a lot of prejudice, and there's a lot ... but also just kind of, it's hurtful, like so what if I was African? You know, you guys are very just like ... People are just very just rude and just like ... yeah, just racist to like everybody. And then there was one time I was walking home and this person, or this lady, pissed me off, so I flicked her off actually. But ... And I think she was not homeless, but I don't know what to call her, but she was one of those people who just chilled out, all spacey, all fucking day. And she was ... oh, she was always walking with a friend and she was just like, "Oh, hakuna matata." And I got so pissed off I just flicked her off and I kept on walking, because I'm just like, What the fuck? I'm not like: What? Like if you're going to be racist, at least be accurate. It's, you know ... make it make sense. But maybe that's the thing I'm realizing: that racist people don't make sense. They're just dumb and stupid. And it just ... it boils me with anger and it's so uncomfortable, you know, and like I just ...
[13:02] It's aah ... it's frustrating because it's like I want to feel okay in every circumstance, but I can't say that I do. I can't. I'm great at putting a smile on my face. I'm great at focusing on the positive. But like any environment that I'm in, I know I'm the only one. I know I am. Like ... and I'm just always aware of that. And like I'm always like on the edge of my seat saying, Oh my God, you're someone going to remind me that I'm black, you know? And there's times where people do, and they don't mean to do it on purpose, but they still do it. And that's like: Ugh, okay, now I got to remind myself ... Now I was reminded that I'm different than all of you guys, you know, I can't just sit down and be included, I'm always going to be considered different. And that's just ... ugh ... just exhausting, because you know, I left America trying to get away from all of that, and it's like no matter where I go, it always follows me, no matter where I go.
[14:07] I remember one time I was in Manchester, UK, and I was walking with some friends and this guy's dog was barking, like we were all together, so he was just barking. And then the guy looked at me, he's like, "Sorry, my dog is a little bit racist." What the fuck? Why do you have to say that? I ... like ... like ... Oh, yes, okay. Yeah, that's okay. Oh, fine. That's great. So, yeah, I'm totally I'm okay with that. Just keep walking. Why do you have to bring that shit up, you know? Oh, it just pisses me off. I'm so angry about that. And like I don't want to be, but it's like, it's so annoying. And yeah, I really do want to find my people because, yeah, it's so exhausting. But yeah, I've experienced racism on numerous times here, and it's always so conflicting because it's like I don't want this to be a reason why I leave Berlin, but it's something that is constant and like I guess I was always thinking that: Okay, yeah, maybe one day it will get better. But that's not true. That doesn't happen. The city is not just going to change. You're not just going to get rid of racism. People are going to be this way. And I guess I am trying to learn how to, I guess, let it roll off of me a little bit more.
[15:19] But now I see there's a part of me that really wants to fight! And I'll be honest, it's probably I want to punch somebody in their face, and I've never wanted to hit somebody. But the more this happens, the more it's tapping into this very angry part of me and I don't know really what to do. Maybe I need to do some research, but it's like: Okay, I'm already black, so if something was to happen, who are the police to believe? You know. And I have to think about that always, which is so fucking shitty, but it's just how things are. And I want to just go back to ... like, it's so sad because, like, I'm just a good person, really, I truly am. Like I'm not here to hurt anybody. I am not here to hurt or harm any ... anything, I want to love people. I want to support people, I want people to feel safe. Like my whole thing is developing safe places, and people don't allow me that sometimes and it's so heartbreaking. And every time something happens, I'm like: Oh my gosh, is it because I'm black? Are they racist? What is going on? You know?
[16:20] And it's not even in Berlin. I remember I went to Cologne a few ... last month, and when I was in Cologne, I felt so ... anxious. So anxious. So anxious. I felt so out of place that ... I don't know if Cologne ... if people were actually really hesitant on me being black, but I just felt so out of place. I felt everyone was looking at me, and I felt everyone was behaving weird, very tensing up like. I visited the Cathedral there and this really just took me out of my entire experience of ... I was going down, they have a museum in the basement and I was going down to it, but I had remembered - and I'm ADHD, so my mind's all over the place, right? - so they had these little booklets, and they were selling them for, like, a euro, or whatnot. And I was like: Let me go look at it. And two of the people who worked there were like, "No, no, no, no, no, no. One," they said, "that's not in English, and it costs a euro."
[17:16] First of all, how the fuck do you know if I speak English or not? I never said a fucking word. And two, even if it didn't cost a euro, you don't think I can fucking pay a fucking euro for a goddamn booklet? I was just so, like ... like ... like, uncomfortable and, like, I didn't even want to pick up the book. But then I also wanted to, because I didn't want to prove them right, that okay: Now, you know what? Like they made me uncomfortable, so I'm not going to do what they ... I'm going to listen to them. But there was also a side of me that was also, like: No, I'm going to sort of go pick up this booklet. So I did, but I couldn't even enjoy the booklet. You know, it's a fucking small booklet that just had information in it. Maybe I just like the goddamn pictures? You know, so the whole time that I was in that Cathedral, I was so uncomfortable. I was so tensed up. I was so ... I didn't feel good.
[18:03] And I struggle finding a place where I feel safe and I feel good, and I can't say that I feel that way, you know? And sometimes I do. And ironically, if there is a place that I feel safe, it's either around queer people or it's in clubs. I feel very safe in clubs, especially Berghain. Berghain is a place where I've never felt uncomfortable, I've always felt safe in Berghain. And that's crazy! You would think that the club might be a weird place, but no, Berghain has always been a safe haven for me, you know? And like, I don't know, I just feel this like sense of like unfairness. Like why do I have to be the one to go through all this type of stuff? Especially when all I want to do is spread love and be a happy person. Why do people have to look at me as a threat? You know, like I smile all the time, I try to say, "Thank you," I try to do my best to follow the rules and be exactly what people want me to be. But it never seems like it's ever, ever, ever enough. So sorry for that!
[19:07] Right. So my next question was, like: Is Berlin diverse? I would say Berlin is quite diverse, especially if you go to different places. I'm in Neukölln now, which I think has been slightly more of a help. I was in Friedrichshain when two ... actually multiple ... multiple of those experiences, racist experiences happened, and I feel a little bit more, like "safe" is not the right word, but like, I don't know, there's a lot more diversity here, there's a lot more people of color. It's a large Turkish community here, there's also a lot more black people, we know where these people are. But yeah, I recognize black people, and I recognize people of color. So I'm like: Okay, this is possibly a more diverse area. I've also heard that Neukölln is also houses a lot more what's the word? Nazis. So that's something that I have to think about. I definitely never experienced a Nazi. Maybe ... Probably those people that I experienced racist comments with, probably were a Nazi on some level or not. But yeah, and I guess they like to go more to the places where there's people of color, which, fuck them for that type of shit. But yeah, in Neukölln at least I feel a little bit better. And that's kind of why, like, I'm quite scared to go up north.
[20:35] Actually like a friend of mine gave me ... I'm like ... I ... Yeah, my mom actually gave me a suggestion of a place to live up north. And I mean, it was a nice place to live, but there was also part of me that just didn't feel like that was my place, but also like I didn't know how my experience there would be, you know. And this is something that people don't realize that I consider is like I don't know where I'll feel comfortable. And if I don't feel comfortable up in Friedrichshain, who knows if I'll feel comfortable up in Wedding or Prenzlauer Berg or any of those other places, because, I mean, it gets less colorful there, you know. And it's very hard for me, you know, to feel this sense of safety. And it's also very hard for me to talk to people about this, because most people I talk to about this are Germans or white people or people who don't have these experiences, and they have the privilege of hearing what I have to say, offering some sort of sympathy, and then forgetting about it after our conversation is done, you know. And I don't. I have to continue with this mindset and these thoughts no matter where I go, no matter who I'm talking to, no matter where I belong. And that is so like, yeah, quite exhausting sometimes.
[21:44] My question was like: Where's all the black people? Where are all the black people that I ... I got ... I needed to find a lot more black Americans to like ... Thankfully, I have been finding them. It's always weird, like I guess the people that I want to connect with the most, I felt the most awkward trying to connect with, you know. You just don't know how, or you're so excited that you get so nervous and you don't say anything, or whatnot. And I think something that I am going to challenge myself to do for the New Year is, I mean, to put in more effort to find people like me, just because I know my experiences aren't ... I'm not alone in all of them. And I think it would help, you know, to have people to relate to on some levels because, like, I don't think like most people here are very understanding, but no one's going to get me in the same way that someone like me is going to get me, you know. And that's just ... that's just common sense. So I am trying my best to figure out where to find people and, you know ... and to, you know, like engage more in those communities, stuff like that. I think, yes, it does take me putting in a little bit more effort to do and I am getting better at that, slowly but surely. But yeah, I think we we will get there.
[22:59] But despite all of what I'm saying, I still want to stay here in Berlin, because there is a community here and there is diversity, and there is an opportunity for me to create a safe space. And, to be fair, no matter where I go, I'm going to experience these problems, and that's unfortunate but it's the case. So running from these experiences does not help. Low key, high key. Considering getting myself a Taser, because I am scared sometimes, especially at nighttime and I'm walking around homeless people or like just weird people. Like I was on ... waiting for the subway the other day and it was me and this other guy. He came walking, talking to me. I didn't understand a word he was saying and I don't know if he was being racist or whatnot, but I just have to like stand there and I suppose just walk away. But I was so scared and so tense and I'm, like: What do I do in those settings, you know, when no one else is around? ... What do I do? So there is a part of me that's trying to consider: How can I protect myself? How can I appear more unapproachable?
[24:06] You know, that's also a thing that I'm trying to figure out, is like I don't want to give people the the opportunity to think they have the audacity to approach me and talk to me the way they want to. You should not look at me and think that you can talk to me any type of way. And maybe it's because I hopefully approach ... appear very innocent, very kind, but I don't want to be in a position where people mistake my kindness for weakness. I've never fought before, but Lord knows, I have a lot of anger in me, so who knows what would happen? But I don't want the solution ever to be fighting or ever to be violence or anger with anger, you know? So I'm really trying to figure out what type of way I can go about this type of thing. But yeah, I am hoping that things actually have gotten better in the sense that I think I've just been in more a position of acceptance. I've also, you know ... I go out with more people, I'm trying to be in more environments where, you know, I feel safer and I feel kind, and if I don't, I'm really quick to leave those environments, you know. And for the most part, like I said, people treat me kindly and treat me well.
[25:24] It just... yeah, it just takes a lot ... there's a lot of silent struggle that goes inside my head that no one ever gets. And this really feels like a diary entry, in a way, because yeah, I don't really know what to ... else to express. There's not really a lot of positivity I can give with this because I don't know what I'm doing, and I'll just be honest about that. I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what the solutions are. I know some of the steps, but it also is quite exhausting that I have to keep doing something, you know? It's not like I can just let go. I mean, I can, I'm trying to, but it feels like I can't just let go and be. It's like: Okay, if I want to, I feel as if I have to go put in more effort. And the whole thing that I'm trying to do is put in less effort, you know? So I'm still working on feeling comfortable here.
[26:25] I felt ... not lied to, but I definitely didn't realize how much of a struggle it would be being black here in Berlin. Granted, the people who told me that Berlin is not that racist, were not black. So my opinions came from people who probably don't experience it at all, or said, "Oh yeah, my black friend says it's fine here." Yeah, I don't give a fuck what your black friend said to you. It's much different when a black person talks with another black person, and we tell each other the truth. We're not going to tell non-black people the truth all the time, because sometimes it's a waste, in my opinion.
[27:08] But yeah. So ... I still believe, though, I think, like Berlin is a place that I am trying ... and I will find my community here. And I know there's other people here who have struggled with the same things I have, and I will connect with them and I will get more comfortable. It will take time. And it's been seven, almost eight months, and there's still a little bit of a struggle, but I am optimistic. I was always, so you guys can trust that I am going to be okay. Things will be good, and I will continue to work hard and love myself and remember that I do deserve better. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve all good things. And so do you.
[27:57] So if you're feeling a little bit out of place, or if you're considering Berlin, but you don't know, I can't promise you that it'll be easy for you. It might be, but I can't give you that promise. But it'll develop. You'll develop some tough fucking skin, I'll tell you that. You'll learn how to be stronger, and that could be a good thing. So this is how I'm ending this episode. I really hope you guys are able to connect with it in some way, and thank you, guys, for allowing me to be vulnerable. And yeah, I'll see you guys next week. Much love. Mwah.