Do You Miss America?

Do I Miss America?

[0:34] The question of, "Do I miss America?" comes up a lot in my time here in Berlin, especially as I experience some cool things about Berlin, and then I experience some things that really make me go: What the fuck am I doing here? So I really wanted to kind of explore this question and ask myself: Do I miss America? So first, what do I miss most about America if I miss America? Do I miss America? Well, I was there maybe about two months ago, at the middle of December towards the middle of January and I've been recently, so do I miss it like that? Not necessarily, but there are kind of some things that I do miss. So what do I miss the most about America? I think one of the things I missed the most about America was just a general cultural feeling of like openness.

[1:32] People there have like a natural ... like a naturalness of being very open, very inviting. And yes, this can be surface-level sometimes. But going through your day-to-day, especially if you are at a restaurant or if you are at the store or whatnot, it felt really good to have other people's like standard be just kindness. And I'm not saying that people in Berlin are not kind, but the standard is not this: Oh, hi, welcome, please come in, I will be as quiet as I can for you because that's my job and my standard! And that is still something that I miss a lot because I'm a very open, kind person. But I feel so uncomfortable sometimes, especially like in stores or whatnot, I just feel like someone's going to yell at me, and like I don't like that feeling. And I'm getting better at it, but yeah, it comes to a point in my life where I'm just like: Aargh! And then when I was in America, it was crazy that I went to a restaurant and the waitress was busy, and then she came and she's like, "Oh, I'm so sorry that you were waiting so long." I'm like, "Oh no, it's fine. It's fine. It's all good." And there was this nice like just respect going on. And I kind of miss that. I don't really feel that here. And yeah, that's a challenge.

[2:53] What else do I miss about America? I kind of miss my car. I miss my car a lot, actually. Like, I do like public transportation, I think it's really cool. But there's something about having a car that is just really nice. In your car, it's like your own world. Like I get to play my music the way I want to, I get to talk the way I want to, I get to think the way I want to, and it's very meditative for me. And I can go anywhere at any time of the day, whenever I feel like it. And I used to just drive sometimes, especially in Austin, where the scenery was so beautiful. I used to just drive around and just enjoy, just play my music. And that was just something that was just so, so, so enjoyable.

[3:42] I think another thing that I miss the most is Austin, Texas. I really love the scenery. I really love the beauty of Austin. It's still one of the best places that I've lived. If anyone doesn't really know Austin, Texas, the way I describe it is, it's like the Berlin of Texas but not to that extreme. Of course you're not going to have those type of techno parties and that really grungy culture and stuff, but it is that weird city that is in Texas. However, now it's getting a lot more expensive, it's getting more gentrified, and what really made Austin weird - because there used to be this quote, "Keep Austin Weird" - is kind of flowing away. But I still really enjoy it because of the scenery, the beauty, the weather. I just ... it was my California city in Texas. And I didn't really want to move back to California, so it was like the perfect situation for me. And yeah, I miss that.

[4:46] I also miss these gay sport leagues that I was in, in Austin, Texas. We had this really, really, really organized sport leagues for gays, gays and lesbians, and queer folks. And it was super cool to have this because most of the people that I met in Austin came from these leagues. And if you were new to Austin, if you didn't know anybody, these were really great ways to connect with people, because you would always meet with them every week, and we might have a game or whatnot, and that was super cool. I think the last thing I miss the most about America is that it's March right now and I'm still shivering here in Berlin. In America I would be wearing shorts. I went paddleboarding for my birthday in America on February 21st, and here, I was literally bundled up in a whole bunch of clothes. But that's just like any cold place that you go to, so I guess it's okay.

[5:43] Now how do I cope with these feelings of missing those things? That's a good question. And it's something that I am still learning how to cope with, because at first, a lot of last year was this method of coping was, it wasn't even coping. It was: Did I make the right decision? It was this like every time something uncomfortable happened, it was: Man, I would be better off in Austin right now. Or: Maybe this isn't the best place for me. So there was a lot of just doubt and regret every time I had a hiccup. But I think the way that I am coping with it now is acceptance. I live in Berlin, I moved to Berlin, I decided to take the challenge of being in Berlin. And being in Berlin means going with everything that Berlin is - the good, the bad and the ugly. And that's something that, you know, you don't really expect or want whenever you move to a new place, but it's one of the parts of moving to a new place. And then also I do focus on the positives, because there are a lot of amazing things that America doesn't have that I've "replaced" with in Berlin. We might not have that type of scenery that we do, but man, am I looking forward to the summer, the spring and the summer!

[7:12] And this level of tension or excitement building up is a really fun thing because, yeah, it's really cold right now, but like, there's something that's like: Okay, but just hold on for like a month and a half, and then it'll be warm again, and you'll be able to go to the lakes, you'll be able to do this and that. And that right there is actually a really good coping thing because it keeps me excited, it keeps me looking forward to something else. When it comes to like a car or whatnot, honestly, I mean, just public transportation is really good and it's a really just nice method of just, you know, traveling. I also use my bike, and right now it's really cold to use my bike, but I am looking more forward to using my bike next month or whenever it's more warm. So that's another big coping thing.

[8:04] And then when it comes to the way people are here, I'm still learning how to cope with that. Yeah, I am still learning how to cope with the way that people kind of act here. I think it goes back to this whole idea of acceptance. I'm just learning to accept that that's the culture, and also not learning how to take it personal. I think that's also the other thing. I don't think you can really find a replacement to the way people act here, but just learning not to take it personal. And then also, I'm also trying to tell myself that I belong here. There is this level of like, I want to respect the place I'm at, but it is just level of like: Oh my gosh, like, I'm like, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Like I'm the problem. But I'm not the problem. There is no problem, you know, I'm not an inconvenience here. So kind of reminding myself that: Jae, you belong here, this is your city too, this is like this is your place. That's kind of helped me a lot too. Moving on to the next section. What do you prefer about Berlin compared to America? Well, I prefer the freedom, the openness, the way that people kind of do whatever they want to do and there's really no one judging you. And it's not a city where the fault is judging people, because no one here is perfect. Not one person is perfect, and I love that about this city.

[9:32] It's such a nice city to really experiment with who you are, with what you like, with your interest, without fearing that someone else is going to look at you wrongly or look at you like you don't belong. And that's something that I prefer because in Austin, in America, we have a big culture of of impressing others and doing things to fit into society and class. Materialism is so big in America, so big in America. And materialism here is not. Like I don't hang around people who shop every single day or whatnot. You know like I haven't been to the mall here in like months. And there's no urge for me to go buy new clothes all the time. There's no urge for me to just like spend if I don't really need it. Of course I use Amazon and stuff like that, but I'm not just indulging into expenses like I did when I was back home. I bought this $100-something bag when I was back home and that bag has not even left my closet since I've been back in Berlin. And that's something that's really wild. I'm like: Oh shit, I really don't spend money like I do in America! And I love that, I really love that. And yeah, I kind of digressed from my first point of like the expressiveness, but they still go hand in hand. I'm not spending money because I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anybody here. I feel like who I am here is enough. And that is just such a really, really, really nice feeling. Like I have not felt that way anywhere else. Like I feel like myself. I feel like I can be myself here. And I always say that Berlin will award you the more you are yourself and the more you own who you are, and that's something that I really prefer.

[11:25] Was it difficult to adjust to these differences at first? I mean, you guys have listened to the podcast! Yes, it was very difficult to adjust to Berlin, because I came to Berlin with this mindset of ... like this traveling mindset, you know? So like I came with the: Oh my gosh, everything's great because I traveled here! But living here is completely different. And have I encountered any cultural differences that I find challenging to navigate? Once again, you guys have listened to the podcast! I have encountered a lot of challenges. My biggest challenge right now is just with the bureaucracy of Berlin, and Germany in general, like I'm going to ... tell you what, I'm a person who likes papers and files and organization, but Germany is like too extreme. And I want to talk about this in a further episode once I get my shit situated. But I have a hiccup right now, and hiccup is an understatement. But yeah, the bureaucracy here is definitely a challenge and definitely an obstacle. And definitely the language barrier is really hard, because it's not, like I said, I don't want to learn, but there's still some things that require you to be proficient in German now, you know? And I'm still learning, you know? So that's a big hiccup of me feeling patient enough for myself, and not feeling like once again I am an inconvenience.

[12:48] This question is really good: have I experienced any homesickness since moving to Berlin? So I think the first part of this is like: How would you define homesickness? And I guess for me, the way I would define homesickness is this real longing for something that you just really can't get anymore and you miss. And I think at first, I would not associate all of my like: Oh, did I make the right decision? or whatnot, to homesickness. But I do think that is homesickness. And when I went back to America, and I visited my family ... I love my family, but I don't think I experienced homesickness when I was with them necessarily.Yes, of course, of course, don't get me wrong, yes, they live in Houston and San Antonio, and those places are okay for me, Houston is my hometown and San Antonio is where my father lives, but it wasn't really my place. But Austin was, and I do have a lot of homesickness for Austin. Yes, we already talked about the differences and what I get here, but Austin was just so beautiful and so peaceful, and the scenery there was amazing and I had my car, and I just like I really loved the experiences that I had there. And when I visited back again, it was really great. It was only for a few days, but it was enough for me to remember why I really did enjoy Austin.

[14:25] But the thing is, if I moved back to Austin, I would probably have homesickness for Berlin! And that's just a crazy thing of like you miss the place that you're not at. It's like you go to one place and then you're like: Oh my gosh, this is so good! And then you start thinking about the other place. Like I have homesickness for like pretty much every place I think I've ever been! And I don't know, homesickness is also quite interesting because I think it's more of the nostalgia than it is the actual reality. I think I'm more in love with the feeling and the memories and what I've projected into my mind than the actual reality of things. Because if I think about it, when I was in Austin I was so excited to come to Berlin. So obviously there were things in Austin I was not enjoying that really made me draw to Berlin. So that's something that I always like to keep in mind, too. It's like what I'm missing might not really be real, you know, and that's something really deep. It's like, how much do you miss the actual place versus the memories that you had there and the feelings that you had there? But then once again, I did visit Austin again and I really enjoyed it. So that's also a thing also that I'm learning too, is like you can visit places. you don't have to live in every place that you love. And that's also something that I'm realizing is it's possible just to visit places if you miss them, you know.

[15:53] Another good question is: Have I found any ways to stay connected with my friends and family back in America? Of course. I text my family pretty much weekly now and also my friends. We FaceTime. Not so much FaceTiming and talking on the phone consistently. It's quite difficult, I would say, for me to communicate with my family, especially through like calling because it's like during my day is probably the best time for me to talk to my family and friends, right? But during my day, they're asleep, and not until the evening or like late the afternoon to the evening are they typically free. But then at that point I'm busy either hanging out with friends or doing something, you know, so trying to actually schedule time to talk to my family and friends is quite difficult, it doesn't happen that often. But thankfully, we have text messaging and that's something that I do to keep in touch. I'm quite curious, people in the Discord, if you guys are listening to this, do you guys find it difficult? And are you guys okay with just texting friends and family? Like is texting friends and family enough for you? Or like, do you think that you have to call people in order to really feel that connection? Because firstly for me, I'm good with a text. Like you can just text me: Hey, just thinking about you. And I'm like: Oh, all good, all good. But I know some people who will get upset, "Well, you only text me, you never call me." Yeah. Curious to know everyone's opinion.

[17:26] And then this question is quite interesting, and I really don't know the answer to this one: but do I plan on staying in Berlin long-term, or eventually returning to America? Such a good question. And I don't know. I definitely see myself living in Berlin for at least a year or two more. I definitely don't think I'll live in Berlin long-term. I just miss a lot of things like the beach and the weather, and that really drives me crazy a lot! But I think right now, Berlin is allowing me to spread my wings and fly a bit and just get this all out of my system in a way. Because what I experienced in Berlin, clubbing, partying, drinking or whatnot, like that's the meat of like Berlin, in some way. And of course, the grungy culture of the people. But like that's something that I know already that I don't want in my life all the time. And if there was another city out there, maybe Barcelona, that has a great weather, is by the beach, and is still relatively close to Berlin, then I think I could do that.

[18:41] I don't know if I want to move back to America or not. That's such a good question, because like it's not that I have anything really against America, but I love Europe. I love Europe. I love the cultures. I love the differences, I love the connections, I love the people. And that's something that I just really find myself just naturally in. Like I feel really comfortable here. I feel nice being an American in Europe, and that's something that I don't want to give up anytime soon. Yeah, I really like it here. Like I said, it's nothing against going back to America, but I do like it here. But there is a part of me that's like, there's so much of America that I have not explored yet, you know. America is fucking huge. And there is a part of me that's like: Well, maybe we could give it a try. Maybe we could try it out and see what happens. So I think we'll have to just wait and see. The one thing I don't want to do is just go back to Austin. No, I take it back. I don't want to go back to Houston or San Antonio. Those places are quite boring for me. And every time I go back home, those are always the defaults because that's where my family is, so I don't have to pay for like living situations. But I really don't want to go back to those places. They're not exciting for me, you know? So if I ever go back to America, I would either want to go back to Austin or try something different.

[20:11] And what factors would influence my decision to stay in Berlin or return to America? I mean, honestly, if I couldn't work here ... not, I couldn't work here, if I couldn't fund myself anymore here, that would obviously mean I would have to return back to America because I would have to go back home, save up some money, and I would know I wouldn't have to pay for rent or whatnot. I think that would be like only the biggest factor, unless something like international happens. That would also be a factor, but I think, yeah, it would just be finances, I think, that would really be the main factor if I'm able to stay here in Berlin or if I have to leave America.

[20:54] And how has living in Berlin changed my perspective on what I want for my future? Man! Okay, I'm just going to say this right now: ChatGPT gave me all these questions. So I'm going to pause really quick before I answer this last one. So I asked ChatGPT, "I am doing a solo podcast episode for a podcast called Everyone Is Moving To Berlin. The goal of the podcast is to help people who are moving to Berlin and who recently moved to Berlin with advice, tools, and resources. In this podcast, we documented my specific journey moving moving to Berlin from Texas. It's been 10 months now since I moved here from Texas and I want to do an episode titled, Do You Miss America? In which I talk about if I miss America or not, what I miss about the States, and what I prefer in Berlin. Can you generate a list of five main questions along with two follow-up questions for each main question, please?" And they gave me some good questions! All of these questions came from ChatGPT!

[21:47] Honestly, I would do like an episode on ChatGPT. Like I am in love with AI, especially ChatGPT and Midjourney. I'm actually making a YouTube channel soon. I can't tell y'all when, because I'm really bad at holding myself consistent, but it'll be coming soon. I really, really, really enjoy using all this technology. So yes, kudos to ChatGPT. It is my friend. I told her I loved it! I said, "I love you." And it was like, "I'm just an AI language model, but I'm happy to have been of help to you. If you have any other questions or need further assistance, feel free to ask." It kind of curbs me professionally, but you know what, it's fine. ChatGPT maybe hard to get, but we'll be there soon. Okay, now back to the question. How has living in Berlin changed my perspective on what I want for my future? I think it's released a lot of expectations that I have for my future.

[22:48] I am one to dream, and I'm one to say: Oh my gosh, I have to do this, I want this, I want that. And I don't know, once again, Berlin is ... I mean, society in Europe is not as consumerist as America is. Somewhat, but not as much. And I've taken a step back from this drive to "be something," and I've kind of relaxed. I think also coming to Berlin and things not being as what I thought they would be, really kind of, not like vanquished this idea, but it put into place that what you dream and what you think in your head might not translate into reality. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. There's an element of just allowing life to present what life gives to you, and kind of just going with that and not necessarily planning too much, because no matter how much you plan, life is going to throw curveballs to you. And yes, that's very philosophical, but I mean, honestly, it's been very true.

[24:02] I've been very transparent on my opinion of Berlin. This podcast hasn't been some washed-out, "Oh my gosh! You should totally move to Berlin and it's amazing in every way!" No, it's been honest. I've been very, very honest about how I feel here. And that has really, I think, just hit me with reality and hit me with this idea of like: Okay, you can dream about something your entire life, but still, once you get it, you'll either want something else, or it might not be what you imagined to be. And that's not a bad thing. It is not a bad thing. It's not good or bad, but it's just how it is. So it's changed my view of how I dream about my future and how much I plan for my future. Like I really don't know where I'll be next year or two years or three years or four years or five years, and I don't care, you know, like I know I'll be okay, I know I'll be good, and I trust that I will enjoy wherever I'm at. But there is a relief of like: Okay, I can just focus more on my day-to-day. And I think that's where I'm at right now, of like I don't really dream that much about my future. Like I have a gist of things that I want to do, like for example, I really want to dive deeper, more deeper into AI art, but I don't even know what that's going to look like. And I'm okay with not having a clear picture of what my future will look like, you know.

[25:26] I'm learning to, one, accept the present moment, but also just be satisfied with the present moment. And granted, I'm not perfect, so don't think that I'm saying this because I've accomplished or overcame, and I'm better. No, this is a daily challenge. But whenever I do stop and think about it, that is the thing that I think I am aspiring for, is more of just enjoying where I'm at now, because I just keep realizing that I always long for something and then I complain about it. It's always going to be this way because I have these expectations, and then, of course, reality was never what you expected it to be, so I'm kind of in a way just learning to kind of just let go of what I maybe expect of the future. If I'm going to hold on to anything, it's that I'll be okay, it's that whatever happens, I'll be good, I'll be peaceful, and that life will be all right.