Mental Health Update

Transcript

Jae:
[0:09] I am extremely grateful for the loving, positive responses that we have received from me sharing my story, and from the conversations that Manuel and I have had. I understand that there are a lot of other people who are going through the same things. And you might not be diagnosed with anything, you might not necessarily have any sort of mental health disorders, but mental health is important for all of us and it's something that is really dear to my heart, and I'm really excited to kind of discuss it. So if you didn't see the Mental Health episode, I think that was like Episode No. 9, essentially my mental health has been greatly impacted. Myself being here, I have a few mental health challenges: bipolar and ADHD - or ADHS here in Germany - being one of the biggest ones, and then coupled with general anxiety disorder. And then just depression. 

[1:10] And moving to this city really tested my mental health. From encountering experiences with racism to my journey getting my visa to simply just getting situated here, with the language, with the different types of culture things and stuff, it was a lot. And I think one of the things that I always encounter with every moment of my life is burnout. And burnout manifests in a lot of different forms but it's something that I think is very important to talk about, especially when you feel that there are so much to do and so little time.

[1:55] For example, me being not from the EU, I technically was able to come to Germany under what's called the Schengen Tourist Visa - my pronunciation might not be the correct - but essentially it is a three month holiday visa that you can have just normally as an American citizen. You don't need to go to any embassy, you don't need to do anything. You can go to any country in the EU for three months at a time without any type of extra permissions. If you want to stay longer than that, then you need the visa, you need permissions, you need a whole bunch of stuff. So when I moved to Berlin, I felt like I had so much to do and so little time. I had three months to get everything that I needed done so I can legally stay here. And that alone is a stressor for someone like me who is who is very susceptible to stress. And I mean, anybody would be very, very stressed out of that situation, you know. So that was really something that contributed to my struggles.

[3:11] Another thing is just like living here in Berlin or at least getting situated, getting a foundation, takes a lot, especially when it comes to like the housing market. You have to really be on your toes to get the work done. But I struggle with this because I'm the type of person who does a lot, you know, so it was really hard for me to balance my time and balance everything. And yes, people are like: Oh, time management! Organization! All that type of stuff. Yes, I know all the tips and tricks, but that's just not how my mind works, that's just not who I am. So I end up having to suffer when it's two weeks before I have to find a new place and I have no no idea where I'm going to be living. That contributed a lot to my anxiety and kind of kicked me into episodes in and out.

[4:12] And that was something that I really struggled with in August was the housing situation. I just get so anxious about things. And the crazy thing is, whenever I do take a step back and I look at everything, my options might not be ideal, but sometimes you do have options, you just don't really like those options, you know. Some of the options was living somewhere temporarily, or living with somebody, or crashing at a random hostel, or whatnot. No, I don't want to really do that. But those are options. But sometimes I have my head set on one thing and I put all my energy into that expectation, and then whenever it doesn't come, I then end up letting that reflect negatively on me. And that is very unhealthy, just bluntly, I know it is, but it's very hard.

[5:14] And if you're also trying to move to the city and get your shit together, you're probably experiencing the same exact thing. How do you, you know, balance striving for what you want but also allowing yourself to compromise, and allowing yourself to go through struggles but not letting those struggles make you feel like it's life or death? And that's something that I am still working on right now, because to be blunt, when my life is good, my life is good. But when my life is bad, my life is bad, if that makes sense. Like right now, I'm good. I have a place to live, I have my visa, I have a routine. But that's because the environment around me is really good.

[6:01] The moment that something is out of place, it's like all hell breaks loose. And I am still learning how to deal with when all hell breaks loose, because if not, then my happiness, my peace of mind is very conditional. So the question is, how can I have a unconditional peace of mind in such a changing and spontaneous environment like Berlin? And I am still figuring that out. I don't necessarily have the answer, but I have been able to use these moments of peace for more reflection. And I've been thinking, you know, I've been thinking about what my expectations are, what it is that I need, and what it is that I'm looking for.

[6:57] And I think one of the things that I have to continue to remind myself is that: One, I'm okay, and that everything really is okay. It might not be the most preferred environment or situation, but at the bare minimum I am okay. And most people who are listening to this podcast are probably in a position that you guys are generally okay. If not, my love goes out to you, I really hope that you feel okay eventually. But for the general listener, probably you guys are in a position to where you guys are able to listen to this podcast and plan out what you guys want, so there is some level of: It's okay, I'm not like living on the streets, or whatnot.

[7:44] But it's really hard to accept that and to show yourself compassion, you know, because your mind is always thinking of: Oh, I gotta achieve this, I gotta be perfect at this, and this other idea of perfectionism also is what really fucked me up. And that's something I'm learning too, is allowing, life and allowing things to not necessarily be what I expect them to be but know that this is what I need at this moment and that this is okay. And maybe, maybe it's not exactly what I expected it to be, but it is generally what I wanted, and I'm still be able to get the benefits of what I want.

[8:28] I think I also believe in this illusion that if I just do this or if I just do that, then everything's going to be okay. And that once again, is very unhealthy, because I am expecting the validation of the external world to make me feel okay. And the external world is changing every single day. There is always going to be a new challenge, always going to be a new obstacle that you can't prepare for, that you have no idea what's going to happen. And I am learning that I somewhat need to be okay with that. I somewhat need to embrace the spontaneity of it, hhich is kind of ironic, because I'm such, like, an explorer. Like I love adventure, I love, you know, waking up one day and not knowing what my life is going to be like by the end of that day, but then again, I'm here stressing over housing, or where I'm going to be staying, or whatnot. Granted, you know, survival needs are understandable, but I always find that kind of funny. And that's something that, yeah, I'm still learning.

[9:38] And I think being here in Berlin has challenged me to focus a little bit more on ... Berlin is an interesting city, y'all. It's interesting for a lot of different reasons, and maybe every city has this, but I found it really big here, especially since, like I said, the survival, like the bare minimum, is very hard to stabilize, especially when it comes to the housing department and things, housing and visas. Those are like the biggest, biggest, biggest like challenges that seem never-ending sometimes. And it's something that I still try to breathe on. And sometimes I find myself still getting a little anxious about: Oh my gosh, this place that I'm living at, is it the best place? Should I be looking for something else? What should I be doing? Should I? Should I not? This all could, or should've, would've type of mentality is also very unhealthy, and you can't ... It's not sustainable. And I think that's the biggest thing that I am also trying to ... I'm also realizing, is that the way that I am going about things right now is not sustainable and it is not healthy in the long term. It's dangerous, I would say.

[11:06] It's dangerous to keep this mindset, and it's dangerous to also allow it to be a reflection of you, to allow the fact that you might not have everything that you want, to going back to being a reflection of you, reflecting that you didn't do well, that you haven't satisfied all your needs, that there was something wrong that you did, and when in reality it's not you, it's just it is what it is. It's just a matter of just life. It's just a matter of Berlin. It's just a matter of being in a new place and a new country and really having to figure things out as you go, you know. That's not something that you need to blame yourself for, and that is something that I am struggling with still to this day. I blame myself for everything. If anything is not going well, I'm like: What did I do wrong? And that is unhealthy, that is dangerous, that is not fair to me.

[12:12] Because when I take a step back, I look at the fact that I got here somewhat by myself. Of course I have a job, of course I have this type of things, but independently, alone, I looked for the job, I applied, I planned the flights, I looked for the needs that I needed for housing, you know, the responsibilities were all on me. And I have achieved a lot. I have achieved a lot. And yet here I am still thinking nothing is enough. And the newsflash is: Nothing will ever be enough! You will never be satisfied unless you can learn to be grateful and appreciate where you are in your life right now. And that is so hard to do. I'm not saying it's like it's so easy. I'm saying this as I'm struggling with this as well, you know. You can know what to do but still struggle with actually implementing and reminding yourself day to day. But I believe it's so important to have compassion for yourself and to go easy on yourself, and to know that you're going to go through shit. Accept that. Accept that things are not going to be pleasant all the time. That is just the underlying fact of it all that you are not going to be happy one hundred percent of the time.

[13:26] But - there's a big "but" in there - you will slowly, slowly, slowly develop this sort of appreciation for yourself. And even though you'll have moments of unhappiness, you'll have a lot of moments of gratifying experiences, experiences that validate that you have been working hard. But it is your responsibility to step back and to see that, and to see that you have come a long way, and that you are still doing everything that you want it to do, you know? And I'm always a person who's iffy about like how specific you should be on your goals, you know, because, like I mentioned before, goals, life changes, you know, and things, may not come exactly how you wanted them to be. But most times, generally, it's enough. It is what you need. It could be the bare minimum, it could be the skeleton of it, but it is still what you need. And I think we should somewhat sometimes take a step back and appreciate that.

[14:32] So now I kind of want to talk about the winter and the seasonal ... the pressure that comes into things. And this topic is talked a little bit more about in our Winter Is Coming episode, but I wanted to just express my personal opinions and how I feel about it. To be fair, I'm not necessarily scared of it. I think I need to be aware of how my mental health can be affected by a lot of small things and I think it's important for me to just keep that in mind as I am going into these new seasons. Generally for me, I've lived in Texas so I'm used to the sun, but I also lived in the UK, Manchester in like the winter of 2020, so 2020 going into 2021, and there wasn't that much sun there, and for the most part I did pretty well. I was still stressed out a little bit, but nothing ... like nothing too bad. You start to appreciate the sun more, whenever those moments come, but I think there's a lot that you can do internally that will help deal with whatever might come in the winter.

[15:50] I think the first thing is accepting that you might not feel great all the time, and once again not blaming yourself for that, not assuming that you've done something wrong, that it's a fault of you, but it's simply just a cause of the weather. It's just an effect, you know. It's just it is what it is. So I think that is like one of the first things is just to accept that you might not feel good all the time, but that is to no fault of your own. The second thing is: Two, what I would consider creating, like what I call, an emergency kit. And this is not like an actual physical kit. It could be - where you have Band-Aids or whatnot - but it's more of like a mental emergency kit of like, if you know that in these times you are more susceptible to feeling certain ways, what can you prepare for now that will help in that moment? For example, for me, I have a music playlist of songs that really calm me down whenever I get stressed out. Another thing is, I have a lot of hobbies that I'm now going to be focusing on during this time, that are going to anchor me. I have a group of friends that I can rely on, I have journaling, I have methods, I have techniques that I'm going to now be relying on during this time, and I believe that this will be very beneficial to me in the long run. This will be very helpful for me whenever I am struggling and whenever I am in a space where I just don't know what to do.

[17:22] And I think if you can focus on those two things, then the experience that you might have, going into winter, might be a little bit more bearable. Also, given the fact that things are a lot more open now could help as well. You know, I always encourage people to go out and do things, go out and experience life, go out and experience things. And if your experiences aren't necessarily what you imagine them to be, it's okay, it's okay. Let things happen the way they happen, you know. Give yourself permission to experience life. I always find these topics that I talk about so ironic, because it's so easy for me to say this for people but it's so hard for me, you know, to go back and actually take in the advice and actually apply it to my day-to-day life. But, you know, it's trial and error and I give myself credit. I'm young, you know, I'm still learning to how to deal with life and to how to deal with different experiences and stuff. And I think I don't give myself enough credit. I don't. And you don't either.

[18:28] So actually, I kind of want to use this next section to talk directly to you. I wanted to give you a little bit of encouragement and a little bit of validation. I've been talking about myself a lot but I think now it's time for me to talk to you. So, listener, if you were a friend: How are you? How are you? Are you good? Are you upset? Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you nervous? Excited? Unsure? You don't know how you are? You're okay? Whatever you are, it's okay, it's okay. I am giving you a virtual pat on the back and I am letting you know that it is okay and that you are doing your best. You might be already in Berlin. You might be planning to move to Berlin. It might just be a thought. Whatever situation you are in, I am proud of you for being where you are and for getting through whatever you've gotten through. There's no need for us to compare our challenges and our struggles and our obstacles and where we've been and where we're going, but I think it's important for all of us to appreciate the fact that we have all gone through shit. No matter what that shit is, we've all gone through shit, and we are all still here.

[19:47] And I just want you to congratulate yourself and just take a moment to just realize how dope you are for getting through whatever you're going through, and for continuing to keep going and for striving to improve, and for striving to be better each and every day. That is fucking amazing. That is fucking phenomenal. You have to realize that not a lot of people do that. But you, you're doing that, and you're getting through it, and there's no need to rate yourself. There's no need to compare or to say: Well, I'm not doing it enough. There's no need. This is a: We're taking out the likes, we're taking out the comments, we're taking out the ratings, we're taking out all of that type of stuff, we're taking out the numbers, we're taking out the metrics.' You are just doing it. There's no good or bad, but you are doing it. And that alone is super, super, super amazing.